Jokes
An English girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you," replies the wife.
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"I asked for, the English girl?"
"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"
Retirement joke
An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.”
The second man said, “What’s the name of it?”
The first man thought and thought, then said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”
“Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man.
“Yes, that’s it,” said the first man.
Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Jokes
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
I’m thirsty
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: "Da-ad... "
"What? "
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad... "
"WHAT? "
"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water?? "
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! "
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad... "
"WHAT??!! "
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water? "
The funeral
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you," replies the wife.
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"I asked for, the English girl?"
"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"
Retirement joke
An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.”
The second man said, “What’s the name of it?”
The first man thought and thought, then said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”
“Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man.
“Yes, that’s it,” said the first man.
Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Jokes
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
I’m thirsty
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: "Da-ad... "
"What? "
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad... "
"WHAT? "
"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water?? "
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! "
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad... "
"WHAT??!! "
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water? "
The funeral
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
😂😂😂😂😂
ReplyDeleteExtremely hilarious