BitterSweet With Tochi

How many times have we heard the phrase “… to change for someone else is in a sense, to betray your self”. I think the real betrayal is when we misinterpret and misuse that statement.  Change is inevitable, it’s a part of growth, life is all about growth, and so is a relationship. Some changes are good for a relationship, often they’re very necessary. Sometimes what we call changing who you are for someone is really just having the ability to adjust in order to make a relationship work. Of course you shouldn’t change because you want someone to love you but you can change little things about yourself because of someone who already loves you. True love or a healthy relationship should be able to make you a better version of yourself, that’s change and it’s a positive change. There’s the good change or what I call a healthy compromise. This is when you still get to be who you are but change some of your characters for the better of yourself and your relationship. Sometim...

Do opposites attract? I know there is this ‘opposite poles attract’ science law but does the law also apply to relationships? Can a man who is an indoor and home cooked meal person fall in love and maintain a healthy relationship with a woman who loves the outdoor and eating out? Can two people from different cultures and contradicting values make a relationship work? Some study said that differences in personality make for better friendships but when it comes to romance, partners should be two of a kind. I actually agree with that study. I mean opposites may attract- say Mr. D who is shy and Ms. P who is the loud type- but they won’t make a great relationship if they have no common ground. While their differences can spice up their relationship there has to be an agreement base for a good romance and communication. Values, sexual energy and chemistry are likes that compulsorily need to attract to make a great relationship. When you send out a frequency and attract a person of di...

I hated my sister. She’s so perfect, she reminded me of everything that I was not. She’s taller, perfect almond skin color, honey eyes that entice men- one time I heard my crush tell her that he could get lost in her eyes- asshole! She smiled and laughed so deeply, was contagiously bubbly. Very often, I compared myself to her. It started as an innocent habit, then it became a conscious competition, and then it turned into a secret hatred. To me we were sworn enemies in a battle and her weapon against me were her amazing features and very flawless attitude. I would attack her with everything within grab. I wanted her to die, I wanted her to disappear, I wanted bad things to happen to her. How could she have perky perfectly round breasts, bouncy buttocks like Jenifer Lopez, nicely carved stomach like Ciara, 27inches waistline and very long curly hair? She sang better than snow white, had the dancing energy of Beyonce and the body movements of a Latino dancer, the last time she had pimp...

The year is 2019, the amazing 21 st century and it seems like people have already given up on love. Are people really giving up on love? A few years ago a close female friend said to me, “Tochi, all men are scum. Love is overrated. Find the one that can take care of you and get married to him. Because he will cheat on you every time and the least you can do is cry in a limo” That statement over there is very misleading and it is a pity that most people believe it. Women think the men are out to hurt them and shouldn’t be trusted while the men think the women should not be trusted either. Everyone now wears a shield, protecting himself/herself from what is only a fear. Even the teenagers have learnt to stay ‘woke’. I am not a hopeless romantic, not even a typical relationship kind of person but I do believe in love. I believe men and women are same when it comes to love. We are all likely to love and to betray love. Men are scum and so are the women. Men are angels and ...

Cutting of hair is a big physical change that is usually triggered from the inside. The sudden fear that you feel as the stylist holds the scissors close to your hair. You know you want it but you are not sure you should. You do not think that you are ready for it. A part of you still wants to hold on to the hair because you are very scared of uncertainty. "what if it doesn't come out right" you think. "what if it doesn't fit you?" after-all  the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know. You want to be relieved of the hair, you crave for a new look because your subconscious knows that the hair symbolizes something(s) within you. Something(s) that needs to go. You yearn to be set free. To start over. The old hair is probably dried of nutrients, so unhealthy, thin tips and continuous breakage. The old hair is dragging the new ones. As long as you still have the hair on, you will never achieve that healthy, gorgeous hair that you have alwa...

Cursing, being insensitive, being arrogant, lazy, unfaithful or a nuisance to the people around does not mean being yourself. No, that is being a shit . You are just a virus that people would want to protect themselves from. being yourself is a self discovery and self creating journey. It is a process. You discover yourself everyday and each day you mold yourself into a better form. It is a growth, a progress. and we know growth and progress are impossible without change.  The biggest change we can make at any point in our lives is taking responsibility for who or where we are. That means there is no one else to blame for the things that are not right. No more victim mindset. Things and people can control our environment but we can decide within us how it's all going to affect us, how we will react. We have to be able to admit that we are what we are today because of the choices we made yesterday. We need to bear in mind that between stimulus and response we have the freedom ...

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself”  Those were the words of George Bernard Shaw. Most people would disagree. I have heard someone say that creating yourself means you do not like who you already are good enough.  I think the problem is that we tend to misinterpret the phrase ‘creating ourselves’, to mean the need to conceal and manipulate the image of ourselves to help us feel and accept ourselves better. I think creating yourself should mean becoming the person you have always wanted to be, to be the person you will be proud of. We have the power to decide what we believe in, what we do and what actions we take to become the person we fancy.  While I agree with Bernard Shaw on creating yourself, I do not agree with not finding yourself. I think the two should complement each other.  Finding yourself means that the person you have always wanted to be already exists. But what happens when you can’t find that person? Do you go a...

We now know that it’s not all relationships that are destined to have long and prosperous lives. That doesn’t mean we love and lose someone without even trying to work things out, making excuses for why we are not in the right place or why things are so complicated for the relationship. It’s never that complicated. Sometimes it’s as simple as having a real conversation with the other person. You tell the other person how you feel and how long you have felt that way and what you are willing to do to make things work. This will lead to the other person considering how they feel as well. This works in whether an ongoing relationship or a prospective one. Waiting for the right time has led to a lot of missed opportunities. I have met a couple of people who couldn’t be with someone they thought they were in love with because he/she’s either always in a relationship when they’re free or they were always in relationship when he/she’s free. To overcome challenges of timing you must first ov...

From my mail I have been cheating on my boyfriend with the only man that I have really ever loved. The week I planned to break up with my boyfriend so I can be with the man I love was the week that my boyfriend lost his mom. I couldn’t break up with him because I have to be here for him. I don’t know how long that will last because he really loved his mom. Did I do the right thing? What should I have done?  No matter what decision you make someone is definitely going to get hurt. Staying with someone you don’t love is not right but helping someone you care about is humane. You are saving him from mourning his lost mom and lost relationship at the same time. 👍 You chose what you felt was the lesser evil. But will ‘the only man that you have really ever loved’ still be waiting for you? ♥

From the mail I married my wife 6 years ago, last year we separated due to some irreconcilable issues.  We have been living and working in different cities, one of the major reasons for our fight. The distance and who should move.  On the 18th of May, she agreed for us to work things out. She even volunteered to quit her job and move to my own city. I was excited and looking forward to it until I met someone else last week of May.  She’s the manifestation of everything I have ever wanted in a woman. We have been seeing each other for about three weeks and a few days now. I think I am in love with her already. I’m confused, my wife seems changed and willing to work things out which is what I have always wanted. But this other person is different and I am sure of what I feel for her. Is this not wrong timing? Who is the right one for me here?  That’s a real timing problem. I believe your wife was once right for you, if she wasn’t you wouldn’t have been married to ...

Talk about the beauty and pain of falling in love with the right person at a very wrong time. Making acquaintance of a person who would be so incredibly perfect for you, except it’s just not a good time for you or them. Once or twice we have been victims of timing. We meet the person of our dreams a few months before they relocate, we form an incredible close friendship with an attractive person who is already taken or is not emotionally ready to be with us, we end a relationship because our partner isn’t ready to get serious and another ends because a partner is getting too serious. We would think, it would be perfect if only this were five years from now, seven months earlier, it would have been great if I had enough money,  if I was over my ex or had all my shits together. Timing plays such a drastic role in our lives and we have to consider why. The truth is that there may never be a perfect or magical time when everything falls into place. When our shits are all together, w...