BitterSweet With Tochi

We have less than 48hrs to end this year.  The ending that will bring in  new beginnings and fresh starts. I don’t know about you but 2019 hit me real hard with heavy blows. The year came in like a pack of oranges. There’s the sweet and there’s the sour; but I can’t say that it was a bad year.  No matter what or who you lost, or what or who you didn’t gain or couldn’t do, there’s always something that should make you ‘but' whenever you remember how unfair the year was to you.  Something you learnt from someone, liberation from a toxic atmosphere, someone you met, a new mindset or motivation, better defined goal, a working diet plan, a book or film that inspired you, a friend or family that achieved something or that things turned around for, even that failure is a lesson, and maybe the break up is saving you from a relationship that you are not meant to be in.  Every year always brings us close to something relevant in our life. We just do not alway...

So you walked away from being put down, walked away from fights that would never be resolved, walked away from someone that would never see your worth.  You are hurt, miserable and beaten. You wonder if you should have held on and fought a little more, a little harder. Maybe if you put on a little more effort, things would have gotten better.  You wonder how you would make it through without them. What you feel at the moment is close to dying. You have this very large hole that nothing seems to fill. Not cheers from friends, not family, not food, not work, not vacation, not the funny instagram skits. Nothing works- you simply want them back. But deep down you know that you shouldn’t be going back to the way things were, and trying to change things in the relationship was liking trying to change the location of Mount Everest.  If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?  Here are 10 ways to heal from a break up. 1. Grieve.  ...

Have you noticed that being left makes one love and lust the person who left them even more? It is a real thing, and it’s called frustration attraction.  Frustration attraction is what makes us pursue that person who doesn’t like us as much as we like them, harder. It makes you love the person harder. It is what makes rejection so alluring.   Our insecurities would make us turn our minds inside out wondering which of our flaws or faults might have put them off.  Our ego wouldn’t accept that someone isn’t returning our affection. It’s a psychological issue.  We would become irrational just to get this person’s attention or affection. We would make decisions that we would steer away from if we had a clear mind.  We might even go as far as altering ourselves – physically.  So it’s like this, as long as this person doesn’t want us, we would desperately try every trick and tactics just to win their affection.  We would become s...

When it comes to love, there are three kinds  of people: 1. The people that only give love 2. The people that only receive love 3. The people that give and also receive love 1. The people that only give love: They give love but do not require any love in return. They just want to love you. To show you love in different and any way without wanting your love. They don’t mind that you only want them when you need them and never the other way around. They are very selfless people and also absolutely do not exist. Even God requires that we love him back. That we show him love. How much more human beings? Anyone who thinks that they do not need to receive love back, is a confused being who would soon become overused, spent and thrown out, and miserable. 2. The people who only receive love: People who only receive love + people who only receive love = Double Negative. Imagine a relationship where nobody gives love? When I think of a place wi...

It has always been about love. Even when we deny it or try to avoid it, love is always around us. We’re either in love, dreaming about love, recovering from love, wishing for love or neglecting love. The experiencing of emotions like passion, affection, sentiment, obsession, desire, pleasure, fondness, attraction, or regard can be very confusing that we sometimes mistake them for ‘being in love’. We blindly go all the way to make major commitment and cry foul when things unfold to their true nature. What could be more unendurable than to share the years in intimacy with someone one dislikes? It is said that some people have a life time together and never know love. What is love?  Is it a strong sexual desire? Is it a strong feeling of emotion? A compulsive preoccupation with someone? What is the difference between mere desire and being in love? You want someone, they want you; that is desire. Did you know that a person can feel desire and yet it will not touch their h...

Stop Condemning “why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye’, while there is still a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  One of our major problem is that we are filled with our own rightness.  Often times we find ourselves in the habit of condemning others, strangers, those we love most, those we call family, and the people we refer to as friends.  We criticize the way someone eats or the manner in which they speak, they way they dress, how they manage their home, their choice of partner. We criticize the way they choose to show love, the way they spend their money, and the way they socialize.  We focus on the most minute details and find fault with the smallest of issues. We pass judgement, and think that w...

Some of the readers of BitterSweet with Tochi were brave enough to share their hidden / secret love stories.  This is a compilation of the stories.  We have been friends with benefits for some months now. We agreed on no attachments because he has to travel back to the states to be with his girlfriend. But recently I have developed some strong feelings for him. I knew I always liked him but it’s more than that now. I think about him all the time, I want to be with him and talk with him more often. I want to really get to know him, to make him happy. I don’t think I’m getting attached, I know that I have fallen in love with this man and I want more. I have never felt this way for anyone.  I do not lack the courage to tell him about how I feel, what I fear is how he would react to it, so I lie to him and my friends. I miss him and I love him but I can’t show it. I act like I don’t care. I don’t want to lose him. I know that he would never be with me the way that I ...

The decision to divorce, especially when children are involved, is one of the most difficult choices a person can face.  Divorce is not pretty. Some think breaking a marriage is as easy as breaking a clay pot but they are wrong. It is always terribly painful. It negatively affects those who are involved, especially the children. When it becomes too frightening to even bring issues up. When anything from sex to money or even annoying little habits are blown out of proportion. First, you must do everything you can to work on your issues and challenge yourselves to do the work to repair your marriage before choosing divorce.  Go to counseling.  Read books.  Talk with friends and loved ones.  When a marriage is healthy and the parents are working together towards the long-term health and happiness of the marriage and the family, it is always better for the kids. However, there is no reason to believe that staying together at any cost is better for your childre...

Is love truly a helpless feeling? Do we control love or does love control us?  There’s been a lot of feed back on ‘the pain of falling in love with someone unattainable’. I had to do a little more research and interview on the topic.  I discovered that lots are in love with people other than their partners, some have unexpressed feelings because they are scared of being rejected, some are not proud of the people they have fallen in love with, and some are chasing after someone that doesn’t want to be caught by them.   Can we manipulate how we feel? Are there things we can do to make us fall out of love? Does love have a switch? What  do you do when you can’t get them out of your head? Do unexpressed feelings just die?  Love is beautiful, love is sweet, love is also torture. Love is torture when we are in it alone, love is torture when we are not free to express it. When everything you’ve ever wanted is standing right in front of you but th...

An English girl A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.   Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.   The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!"  The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"    "Very good, thank you," replies the wife.   "And, what happened to my present?"   "Which present?"   "I asked for, the English girl?"   "Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!" Retirement joke An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly.   After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking.   One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d hig...

For some people, the past is a Memory Lane they want to always go back to. To some, it’s a dark shadow that haunts them. They analyze that relationship that failed and relentlessly review all the things they did wrong. Or look at the business decision that cost them so much and dwell on the things they could have done right.  Once and for all stop being so hard on yourself. You are a human being and human beings have been designed to make mistakes; so what you dated the wrong person and learned a bitter lesson; chased the wrong career and had to start again; or trusted a friend who betrayed you. It’s life, we love, hurt, cry, laugh, learn and do it over again. It is easy to spend much of your days beating up on yourself for past mistakes. I know it can be difficult getting over something, especially when love and betrayal is involved; but emotional pain can become an addiction. Emotions like sadness, depression, guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem can become so common and con...

Another very beautiful day, I had already been to the garage to say hello to the conductors. They seemed harsh today, almost didn’t notice me. I had to walk by 6 times to get their attention. My mall was stocked up as usual, someone donated a large quantity of spaghetti and turkey. I even got a new dress from there, a long white sheet with splashes of tomatoes to make it colorful. I wrapped the cloth around my body, from my chest to my buttocks; this time I didn’t consider the men at the car wash. On my way to get my afternoon nap, someone called me a mad woman. Which was weird because if I was a mad woman I wouldn’t know that I’m mad, right? One of the voices in my head said, “you know that there’s a probability that you might be mad” Another voice said, “you know that you would have to go to a psychiatric hospital if you were mad” The third voice said “so that means that you are not mad. A mad woman wouldn’t know this” I know that I am mad, which means that I am not mad. I k...

The society says men should be the initiators in a relationship. Should the men be the sole initiators or can anyone make the first move? As a lady, when a man piques your interest do you wait for him to make a move or do you go after him?  Is there anything wrong with a woman chasing the man she wants? Or do the men just naturally love the thrill of the chase?  I think a lot is wrong with that chase of a thing. I don’t think that there should be any sort of chasing from either direction and neither should there be a hard to get play. To chase after means to pursue someone sexually or romantically. I don’t think anyone would prefer for someone to ignore him/her; like some sort of mind game teenagers play with each other.  Who enjoys trying too much for someone who doesn’t even try a little bit?  Chasing after someone is scheming and manipulating someone to like you more, to feel differently about you. You decide a fantasy and believe there’s a reward...

If being in love with someone you can’t be with isn’t the saddest torture, I wonder what is. It’s a trend that started with our ancestors, when being betrothed was the only way of marriage. When you are given to someone to marry before you are even conceived; falling in love with someone else was not an option, but it was still an inevitable occurrence. The obedient ones obeyed their parents while the ones who dared to defile their parents were forced to honor the wishes of the parents. Either way, they didn’t have the freedom to choose who to love or be with. Today the case is a little different, we are free to fall in love but we are not always free to be with the person. It could be because of some  irreconcilable differences,  distance, age, family disapproval,  they're with someone else, gone from this earth or we’re in the love alone. Last night, I heard one of the most heartbreaking stories, the type that’s usually seen in the movies. I ran into an old friend,...

The early Lagos hustle sound hit my ears; foot sound of people rushing to get to their destinations forced my eyes open. It’s still dark and I couldn’t have my beauty sleep in peace, the annoyance almost made me aggressive to the passersby but going back to sleep was more important. It’s absolutely impossible to go back to sleep by 3am in CMS, with conductors screaming their destinations everywhere; I knew that but I still tried my luck. When I couldn’t take the disturbance anymore I stood up and decided to start with my day. I will take that beauty sleep when the madness of the men have calmed down, usually between 11am to 3pm. First I gathered my clothes, a very large beautiful nylon that I had saved from the back of an industry, they were going to shred the beauty, crazy people. I wrapped the nylon round my waist. There’s no need to cover my upper body, the men at the car wash love touching my breasts, I will save them the stress of tearing my clothes. Next I folded my bed, I pic...

How many times have we heard the phrase “… to change for someone else is in a sense, to betray your self”. I think the real betrayal is when we misinterpret and misuse that statement.  Change is inevitable, it’s a part of growth, life is all about growth, and so is a relationship. Some changes are good for a relationship, often they’re very necessary. Sometimes what we call changing who you are for someone is really just having the ability to adjust in order to make a relationship work. Of course you shouldn’t change because you want someone to love you but you can change little things about yourself because of someone who already loves you. True love or a healthy relationship should be able to make you a better version of yourself, that’s change and it’s a positive change. There’s the good change or what I call a healthy compromise. This is when you still get to be who you are but change some of your characters for the better of yourself and your relationship. Sometim...

Do opposites attract? I know there is this ‘opposite poles attract’ science law but does the law also apply to relationships? Can a man who is an indoor and home cooked meal person fall in love and maintain a healthy relationship with a woman who loves the outdoor and eating out? Can two people from different cultures and contradicting values make a relationship work? Some study said that differences in personality make for better friendships but when it comes to romance, partners should be two of a kind. I actually agree with that study. I mean opposites may attract- say Mr. D who is shy and Ms. P who is the loud type- but they won’t make a great relationship if they have no common ground. While their differences can spice up their relationship there has to be an agreement base for a good romance and communication. Values, sexual energy and chemistry are likes that compulsorily need to attract to make a great relationship. When you send out a frequency and attract a person of di...

I hated my sister. She’s so perfect, she reminded me of everything that I was not. She’s taller, perfect almond skin color, honey eyes that entice men- one time I heard my crush tell her that he could get lost in her eyes- asshole! She smiled and laughed so deeply, was contagiously bubbly. Very often, I compared myself to her. It started as an innocent habit, then it became a conscious competition, and then it turned into a secret hatred. To me we were sworn enemies in a battle and her weapon against me were her amazing features and very flawless attitude. I would attack her with everything within grab. I wanted her to die, I wanted her to disappear, I wanted bad things to happen to her. How could she have perky perfectly round breasts, bouncy buttocks like Jenifer Lopez, nicely carved stomach like Ciara, 27inches waistline and very long curly hair? She sang better than snow white, had the dancing energy of Beyonce and the body movements of a Latino dancer, the last time she had pimp...

The year is 2019, the amazing 21 st century and it seems like people have already given up on love. Are people really giving up on love? A few years ago a close female friend said to me, “Tochi, all men are scum. Love is overrated. Find the one that can take care of you and get married to him. Because he will cheat on you every time and the least you can do is cry in a limo” That statement over there is very misleading and it is a pity that most people believe it. Women think the men are out to hurt them and shouldn’t be trusted while the men think the women should not be trusted either. Everyone now wears a shield, protecting himself/herself from what is only a fear. Even the teenagers have learnt to stay ‘woke’. I am not a hopeless romantic, not even a typical relationship kind of person but I do believe in love. I believe men and women are same when it comes to love. We are all likely to love and to betray love. Men are scum and so are the women. Men are angels and ...

Cutting of hair is a big physical change that is usually triggered from the inside. The sudden fear that you feel as the stylist holds the scissors close to your hair. You know you want it but you are not sure you should. You do not think that you are ready for it. A part of you still wants to hold on to the hair because you are very scared of uncertainty. "what if it doesn't come out right" you think. "what if it doesn't fit you?" after-all  the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know. You want to be relieved of the hair, you crave for a new look because your subconscious knows that the hair symbolizes something(s) within you. Something(s) that needs to go. You yearn to be set free. To start over. The old hair is probably dried of nutrients, so unhealthy, thin tips and continuous breakage. The old hair is dragging the new ones. As long as you still have the hair on, you will never achieve that healthy, gorgeous hair that you have alwa...

Cursing, being insensitive, being arrogant, lazy, unfaithful or a nuisance to the people around does not mean being yourself. No, that is being a shit . You are just a virus that people would want to protect themselves from. being yourself is a self discovery and self creating journey. It is a process. You discover yourself everyday and each day you mold yourself into a better form. It is a growth, a progress. and we know growth and progress are impossible without change.  The biggest change we can make at any point in our lives is taking responsibility for who or where we are. That means there is no one else to blame for the things that are not right. No more victim mindset. Things and people can control our environment but we can decide within us how it's all going to affect us, how we will react. We have to be able to admit that we are what we are today because of the choices we made yesterday. We need to bear in mind that between stimulus and response we have the freedom ...